12 weeks (+ 5 days now)

I'll probably be much further along by the time you finish reading this epic post! Ugh. I meant to post when I hit 12 weeks...but obviously I didn't. Because I suck. :/

Well, now I'm 12w5d today. I had my NT scan last week and all was well with the twinpops - strong HBs, measuring on target or a little ahead, NT measurements as they should be. My morning all-day sickness has subsided (woohoo!) and I seem to slowly be regaining my energy. I've been up until 11 the pat two nights, rather than going to bed at 9:30 as I was doing on a regular basis, though this morning I'm kind of dragging and might need a nap.

I'm showing - a lot. I started exclusively wearing my maternity jeans  or stretchy pants two weeks ago, and the stretch panels on them are still just a little bit too big, but I just can not wear regular clothes any more. The nice thing is that since I'm showing, but not too big yet, I feel comfortable wearing tops that aren't too loose again since I kind of want to show off this belly that I worked so hard to get! So, the irony is that now that I'm pregnant and have this growing belly, I'm wearing clothes that have felt too small and I haven't been comfortable wearing in months because fertility med bloat is not something you want to show off to the world, but twinpop belly is.

This weekend I had to go dress shopping. We're going to a wedding in a couple of weeks and I needed something to wear. Wow - maternity dresses are just not very flattering, are they? I mean, if I were months ahead of where I am now they probably would have been much better, but in this awkward almost in-between stage I was having a hard time finding a dress that made me look pregnant and not like a poorly made sausage. I did finally find one that's actually pretty cute, and better yet it was on the clearance rack so I didn't have to pay too much for a dress that I may very well only wear once.

We're gearing up to make our first big baby-related purchase. We were holding off until the NT scan/2nd trimester to start really looking at twin related things...just in case, but now we're off to the races. I know we really have plenty of time to get things together, but with the holidays in the middle of it all and with the very real prospect that these guys will arrive early, I'm feeling like there's no time to lose right now. We're pretty conservative financially to begin with, and with me not working for so long on top of the expense of fertility treatments and now twins on the way, we're well into frugal mode. We've been researching double strollers and finally settled on one that gets good reviews and should fit into the trunk of our much-loved Honda Fit when folded up. We found one on Craigslist that we're going to go look at tonight or tomorrow night that costs less than half the retail price. I figure we're going to use this for a year or so, then probably end up getting a side by side, or two separate umbrella strollers when the pops are older, and most likely won't have any more children after this, so why pay retail for a brand new one? I'm happy to get the stroller decided on and out of the way so we can register for car seats to go with it (no, we won't buy used car seats, don't worry) and then hopefully the registry will bloom from there. I can't believe we're to this point! Every day I have a moment where the reality sinks in a little more, I believe in it a little more, and get a little bit more excited about this. It's so hard to accept after spending so much time protecting yourself and telling yourself that it might never happen.  But I'm trying to stay conscious of it and to enjoy as much of it as I can - which will be a lot easier now that I don't feel like I have some kind of awful stomach bug all the time.

What else...? Oh yes, of course. The big announcement. Well, I should say announcements, plural. Of course our immediate family and close friends that knew we were doing IVF were the first to be told that our FET had been a success. They've known pretty much since day one. But telling the rest of the world has been slow and strange. The first 'outsiders' as I'll call them, for lack of a better word that we told were another couple that we've been friends with for a while and just so happen to have ended up being neighbors. We never told them we were going through IVF, but we see them so regularly that they had figured it out, though they never told us or asked what was going on out of respect. I now wish we'd told them. I found out after we told them that I'm pregnant that she has a medical condition that prevents her from ever having children. It turns out we could have probably helped each other out and bonded over this. Stupid IF, why do you rob the most worthy people of the chance to have children?! Why do you make us retreat into silence about what we're going through rather than reaching out to support each other?

The next people we told was another couple that we're friends with a couple of weekends ago. We went with them to a big neighborhood yard sale, and were planning on looking for good bargains on baby stuff (we found a few), plus I was starting to show already so we kind of had to tell them. It was amazingly strange and wonderful at the same time. They have no idea what we've been through to get these babies and their reaction of pure joy caught me off guard. It felt like such a contrast to how cautious we've been.

After the NT scan we gave the go-ahead to our families to spread the word to aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and I just sent a message to my former workplace (where I worked for 9 years and made many good friends) and told them the news. We have one more good friend that we have to tell before we 'go public' on facebook. She is the friend that introduced us to each other and spoke at our wedding. She and her family live on the other side of the state now, so we hardly see them any more, but we have to tell her personally, we just have to.  Then we'll make the big facebook announcement.

I debated about the FB announcement, remembering all too well how many of those very announcements hurt me and cut me to the core. But I decided I have to do it. This is my one chance. I've worked so hard for this - I've earned it. I will of course be tactful and sensitive. I don't want to rub it in people's faces, just get the news out and celebrate this miraculous thing that we've been blessed with. I haven't quite figured out the exact wording yet, but I plan to make it clear that this did not come easy for us, and I don't plan to post an ultrasound photo. I want to be able to provide hope to anyone out there who might be suffering in silence. Maybe even give them someone to reach out to for support if they need it. My husband and I have both talked about wanting to become active supporters in the future - either helping to run a support group or doing all we can to help with Resolve's advocacy and support efforts. Just something to try to give back.

I'm sure I could write more, but I think this post is epic enough as it is. Hopefully with my energy returning I'll be up to posting more frequent, shorter posts!