That's where I've been living the past few weeks, down in the dumps. Since our last failed cycle I've been in such a funk and just can't seem to get out of it. I'm functioning, at least. Getting up out of bed and getting dressed, even getting out and doing stuff like gardening and working on the house. But I'm struggling. Every minute of every day feels like a battle against the quicksand of depression and grief trying to pull me down. Activities that would normally bring me pleasure and joy feel empty. I feel empty.
I've been struggling to figure out why - why this cycle has caused me so much grief. Is it just that we've been going non-stop with treatments for 8 months and I'm just now processing it all? Or is it just that I'm running out of hope and strength?
I'm finding my thoughts starting to go beyond IVF. Thinking about what we're going to do if it doesn't work. My husband and I have even ventured to have a couple of short talks about it. Very short ones though, as we both start to get upset and can't dwell on the subject for too long. Adoption seems to be the consensus though I'm not sure I'll be able to give up on having a biological child that easily. I've thought about using the refund that we'd get from our shared risk plan to go see another RE for another opinion. I've even thought about going to see another RE if this FET fails and I don't get satisfactory answers from my current RE about why it isn't working. I would like to think that she'd want to do some testing, or a lap for my hydrosalpinx if this next cycle fails and I think I'll be more than a little dismayed if she doesn't want to take any action.
I know that in some ways I'm getting way ahead of myself by thinking about all of this stuff, but this feels like the time to do it. When I'm in the midst of a cycle, I'm focused on that cycle and it can be difficult to think clearly about the what ifs. I think I reflect on things by looking to the future. I like to plan ahead for every scenario, anticipate potential problems and come up with the solutions ahead of time. I like to be prepared (I was a Girl Scout for a loooong time) and I don't like to be caught off guard.
Sorry you are bumming out. I always need a plan b to feel better about things. A lap might not be the worst idea and I hope your RE is more proactive in the future.
ReplyDeleteThinking and praying for you each and every day!
ReplyDeleteThis whole process is exhausting and painful and one big fat struggle. It sounds like it all may be catching up with you at once. I wish there was something to say to make you feel better or make the pain go away. Thinking of you and hoping somehow, someway, you can pull yourself out of this, but it is so so hard.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and know how you feel about running out of enthusiasm and feeling empty. This journey is so tiring that it dries up our emotions I guess. Know what you mean in your last few lines... I like to be prepared too and this journey is just so far beyond our control that it makes it so much worse. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteHugs! I think considering other options is okay, it doesnt mean you have to give up on a bio child but it can sometimes help. I know when we finally threw in the ttc towel it was very freeing. I needed out of the constant cycles and disappointments. Hang in there sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for feeling that way. *hugs* It's very difficult to get through all this. And then to think about other options - I've been there. I would love for you to talk to Dr. Kwak-Kim and see what she says. She gave me hope when every other doctor had given up on me. I think of you often and hope so much for your long-awaited miracle! I pray for you. Big hugs <3
ReplyDeleteFailing an IVF cycle is a huge blow to the heart, and the head. It's incredibly difficult to work up enthusiasm for a new cycle after that. IVF is the thing that's supposed to fix all of the problems, which it does, but the darn embie still is on its own to implant. As awful as it is, it could have just been bad luck. That's the only reason I've been given for our IVF failure and two FET failures.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you CAN do this. Once you're further into the FET stuff, it'll get easier to muster enthusiasm. I promise. Allow yourself this time to be bummed, and know that the excitement will come in time. Good luck :)