The stuff dreams are made of...anxiety dreams that is.

I have the most absurd dreams. I usually like my imagination, but we haven't been getting along very well this past month or so. I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams during this break. Of course, after telling my therapist yesterday that they had finally stopped being TTC related and were just general anxiety dreams, I had a nightmare about our upcoming FET last night. It was similar to the other one I had a few weeks ago in which the embryologist dropped the vial with the embryos in it. In this one, a very immature PA (which they don't even have at my clinic) shook up the vial of embryos right in front of my face after the embryologist told her to be very careful when handling it. I never had nightmares about our fresh cycles, but for some reason my brain has it in or this FET.

Things feel so slow now that I'm not going through a cycle. No meds. No ultrasounds. No doctor's appointments. I've been feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. Instead of reveling in the freedom of this break, I'm floundering and feeling lost. I've been keeping busy, but just feel like I'm not moving forward or making any progress. It's funny to feel that way, as though all the treatments and failed cycles and pregnancies that could have been/should have been were progress. They sure don't feel like progress when you're in the midst of it all, but I guess it really is some kind of progress. It is moving forward, even if the road ahead seems endless. That reminds me of some advice that my support group leader told us one meeting- to think of every step in the process as taking you one step closer to your baby. It's true. I knew it was true when she said it, but it's even clearer now that I've taken a step back.

It's just another week or so until I'll be starting BCPs. I'm still feeling some hesitation about starting a new cycle, but I'm feeling much more prepared and ready for it than I was even just a week ago. I'm sure that my hesitation is just fear of another failed cycle. We have three frozen embryos, which could very well get used up in this one FET if one of the two that are frozen together doesn't make it through the thaw. If that happens, then we're on to our third and final fresh cycle - which may or may not generate some frozen embryos. I'm facing the possibility of two dreams not becoming reality. My dreams of having more than one child, and the dream of having any biological children at all. I doubt that we'll ever be able to afford IVF again after this time around, so having frozen embryos left over is the only way we'd be able to have more children after this, and the shared risk plan that we're on makes you use up any frozen embryos before moving on to another fresh cycle, so there you have it. Resources are dwindling...and there I think I have my answer to my FET nightmares. I'm feeling like my future is hinging on frozen embryos.