Moving forward

Yesterday marked one year since our miscarriage. One year since that nightmare of an afternoon and evening in the ER. Really that day was just the beginning. The miscarriage itself lasted for a month. But yesterday was the date that it started. In many ways it will never really end. It will always be with me. I will always be different now than I was before. There will always be a little part of me that hurts.

I actually got through the day pretty well. I was aware of it all day, but I didn't cry or even get very emotional about it. I'm not sure I have many tears left at this point. It was a blessing to have those two good appointments this week. They gave me hope that I haven't had for a long time and I know that helped get through the past couple of days. I felt the change yesterday when we were out. I'd see babies and women with baby bumps and rather than feeling a stab of pain, I felt a glimmer of hope. Instead of thinking 'that will never be us' I thought 'that might be us soon'. It felt really strange, but nice. I just hope that those thoughts aren't ill-placed.

I'm glad yesterday is past now. It was the last milestone to get through. There were the weeks of pregnancy - the countless times I thought 'today I would have been this far along', the due date, the cycle we got pregnant on, the BFP and the loss. I really just want to get past it all. I don't want to dwell on it. As I said, it will always be with me, but life keeps moving forward and I have to keep up with it.