The Wringer

I posted earlier about how well I was doing after the anniversary of our loss. I haven't told you how I've been feeling since then, though. I thought I was doing really well but things took a downward turn after that post. Last week was so hard. I had no idea how hard it was going to be and was caught completely off guard. It was a perfect emotional storm in many ways. You see, on top of everything else, I suffer from PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). It's a condition that affects a small percentage of women where the usual premenstrual symptoms are numerous and severe, to the point where it interferes with your everyday life and can severely affect your personal relationships. There is no cure for it other than having a full hysterectomy, and treatment of it varies between taking BCP and anti-depressants, none of which is exactly TTC-friendly. I was diagnosed several years ago, and after trying several forms of BCP which I discovered I don't tolerate very well, I was put on a low dose of Fluoxetine (an anti-depressant) during the last two weeks of my cycle every month which worked really well. When we decided to TTC I stopped taking the med since it was a class C drug and I didn't want to take any chances. I figured I would be fine since I would just be off of it for a few months until I got pregnant. Ha! Since then I have managed to get it relatively under control through dietary changes and supplements, but I still have months where it flares up and there's just nothing I can do to stop it. Last week was one of those times. It was the week before my period, which is often the worst time for me. Between the stress at work, it being the week of my miscarriage a year ago, the stress of starting fertility treatments and the PMDD flare up, it's a wonder I made it through the week without a major meltdown or some kind of horrible fight with my husband. I struggled to get up and out of bed each morning, dreading the day ahead of me. I had a hard time getting ready in the morning which made me just a little bit late for work every day. Once I was there, I often found myself fighting back tears, or completely irritated with my co-workers. I was having an awful time focusing on my work and made stupid mistakes. It was awful, but I made it through. This week has been better, but I still feel very much as though I'm sitting under a heavy weight. This week has been one of the worst work weeks I've ever had, stress-wise, so it's difficult to know if it's the hormones or work that's beating me up. All I know is I feel like I've been through the wringer more than once in the past two weeks. Now I''ve started on Clomid, which I've always been hesitant about, as I don't know how it will affect the PMDD. My fear is that it will cause a huge flare up and I'll spin out of control. I wouldn't be surprised if I have to call in sick to work because of it this month, which is something I haven't had to do in years. I guess time will tell.