Pardon my absence

I'm not sure why I haven't written in a while. Maybe it's because I'm too scared to talk about this pregnancy in fear that I'll jinx it. Maybe it's because now that I'm pregnant, I'm not sure where I belong. I've been trying to get into the pregnancy boards on the TTC site that I've spent so much time on, but it's so hard for me to relate to the other women there who are on their second or third (or more) pregnancy/child and who have never had to think twice about trying to get pregnant. I had one (fertile) woman on there tell me not to worry about not having more than one child - that plenty of women who have done IVF get natural BFPs later on. :/ I've been feeling very isolated again. I know how painful it can be to read the blog of a fellow infertile who has made it to the other side, but I don't consider myself to be to the other side yet. I still very much relate to being an infertile. I've been infertile for years, but pregnant for just over a week. Heck, I found myself scowling at a very pregnant woman just an hour or so ago as I was out running an errand. 'Lucky her', I thought. 'Look how pregnant she is.  Must be nice.'

My first ultrasound is on Tuesday (I'll be 5 w6d), and the time between then and last Friday's beta has felt like an eternity! I'm scared to death. I'm so glad my husband is going to be able to be there with me. I'm still having plenty of symptoms which are reassuring me, but it still feels so surreal and I think it will until I can see something tangible on the u/s screen. There are just too many things that could go wrong, too many milestones yet to be reached. I'm enjoying this as much as I can, and while I haven't felt great for the last week or so, I don't dare complain about how I've been feeling. I'm just grateful.

Here are the symptoms I've been having (feel free to skip this if you don't want to read about it):
-Incredible fatigue. I'm sure this is due in part to the next symptom, which is my having-to-pee-induced-insomnia, but even on days when I've had a decent night's sleep or had a good nap, I'm still wiped out and have no energy.

-Pee-induced-insomnia. I continue to wake up in the wee hours of the morning having to pee and not being able to get back to sleep. I usually fall back asleep about a half hour or so before I have to wake up for my PIO injection, and then am up after that. So, about 6 hours of sleep a night, which is definitely NOT enough! I also can't seem to get to sleep early, but I do try to take a nap on days when I can.

-Occasional nausea. Yesterday was one of those days. It lasts all day, and while I haven't actually thrown up at all, I've definitely been having some digestive issues (see next symptom).

-Diarrhea. Gross. It hasn't been so bad I've felt the need to call my doctor or anything, but from what I've read, it's a more common problem in early pregnancy than people realize. I'm not thrilled about it, but I do have to say I think I prefer it to throwing up. It's at the same time more gross and more pleasant than puking, in my opinion.

-Swollen feet and ankles. This only happened for a couple of days earlier this week when it was hot. Since then I've been trying to put my feet up as often as I can and that's helped.

-Peeing. A lot. It's not just limited to the wee hours of the morning!

-Call me Bloaty McBloaterson. I'm as bloated as I was after my retrievals, maybe even more so. I've stopped wearing a belt, and even then some of my pants are too tight. I'm sure some of this is due to the digestive issues...

-Heartburn - Tums Smoothies are my new best friend.

-Increased sense of smell - mostly the gross ones - the trash that needs to be emptied, the cat's litter boxes, my stinky feet...makes me glad I don't live in NYC!

-Weight gain. Even though I'm not eating any more than I was before, I've put on 5 pounds already! I'm sure a lot of it is water weight, but still! Five pounds! From what I've read, that's all you're supposed to gain in the first trimester. D'oh.

-Big, sore boobs. I have two sets of bras - one that I wear before O, and one that I wear after. I'm wearing the 'after O' ones, on the loosest clasp, and they're still kind of tight. I'm a 34 B, so not what you'd call well endowed, but my endowment is definitely growing!

-Moodiness. I've been pretty snippy with my husband, and felt pretty irritable at times. I practically pushed some women out of my way in order to get to an opening checkout at Target yesterday (it's back to school season and it was crizazy in there!), and almost bit a woman's head off at Trader Joe's the same shopping trip when she was blocking the aisle with her cart while showing photos of her grandkids to someone else on her iPhone. Oops. I'm usually so quiet and nice....

I think that's it...geez. That's kind of a lot, isn't it? I'm still having my twin intuition...I guess we'll find out on Tuesday if I'm crazy or not. I probably am. Well, I know I'm crazy. This will just be one more piece of evidence that I am.