Hi Lefty, where the eff have you been?!

As you can see - this is a long post. I don't often do really long posts, but I just can't make this into a short, sweet story. Thanks for bearing with me.

Okay, yesterday was my 7:20am follie check. 7 f-ing 20 am. On Saturday. I am sooooo not a morning person. After a week of waking up at 6:30 am to give myself my morning injections, though, getting up at 5:30 wasn't as traumatic as it could have been. And bless my husband (best in the world, sorry ladies) for insisting on going with me. It was his idea to go with me, but actually, he would have had to because the headaches I've been having from the stims are so bad that I haven't been able to drive! In the past two weeks I've worked one day. One. Day. It's only because I have the most understanding boss in the world that I still have a job to go to when I feel up to it. Bless her too.

Here's how it all went down - I'm going to go in order to give you the benefit of experiencing it as I did. It was a roller coaster ride. We got to the clinic and it didn't look too busy, though they open at 7, so really they were just getting started. I got a little ticked when the woman that checked in after me got called back before me. Whatever. She got the nurse that smacks her gum in your face while she draws your blood, even at 7 am, so I counted that as a blessing. Then the other door opened and the ultrasound tech came out and called my name. Odd. They always do blood first. She explained that they were totally booked that morning, and rather than wait on me to get blood drawn, she was grabbing me now to keep on top of things. That's fine. I could tell from the empty trash can in the (un)dressing room that I was the first lucky woman of the morning. My paper 'sheet' would be the first one in there. When we were done she took me to the ultrasound waiting room to wait for my blood draw.

A few minutes later my coordinator, A, came to get me. I wasn't too sure of her when we first met her at my ART consult, she came off as abrupt and I thought she treated me like I didn't know anything, but I have come to love and appreciate her in the few weeks since then. She's very knowledgeable and patient and explains things and is incredibly kind. Oh, and she talks really fast like she's had several espressos.  She's just what I want in a coordinator. As she was drawing my blood she asked how I was doing (as she always does when she sees me around the office, bless her too) and then told me the tech told her I only had one follie.

Wait, what? One? Just one??? My heart started sinking and sinking and I almost started tearing up. How could that be? My ovaries were aching like crazy! I'd been putting myself through this for two weeks for one freaking follie?!

She explained that if I didn't have enough follies for a retrieval that the RE often would convert it to an IUI or timed intercourse. Of course, I thought, the follie will be on my right side, putting us right back where we've been all these cycles before. My head was spinning and my eyes were stinging and I was going into mental shock.

"Hang on and I'll look at your report" she said. I reminded myself to breathe. She flipped through it and said, "Oh, (I detected disdain for the tech in her voice) you have a 19mm on the left and a 12 and a 13 on the right". Sigh of relief. "And you have another 11 that are under 11mm." Another sigh of relief. She explained that it all depended on my E2 level, that if it was high enough they'd probably let the 19 go and let the others keep growing. Crisis averted, maybe. At least the mature one was on Lefty, so we'd have a shot at IUI if my E2 wasn't good.

The impending phone call was the most anticipated phone call from that office yet. We went out to breakfast, trying to steer the conversation in any direction other than that of what we'd just found out, though that was difficult impossible. We nursed our coffees for an hour while we talked. I felt like crap - my head still hurt, and my ovaries ached so bad it was painful to walk around, but I knew I couldn't go home. I needed distraction, so we went to the mall to walk around. My phone rang at 11:30, the earliest I think they've ever called me (thank goodness). When I answered, A sounded nice and chipper. Another tentative sigh of relief. "Everything looked great. Your E2 is up to 781 (yay!), so keep on the same doses and come back in Monday morning". I gave my husband the thumbs up while I was still on the phone. After I hung up, we had to sit down because we were so relieved. We'd both been trying not to get worked up, but at that moment we both realized just how nervous and scared we'd both been. Thank the heavens this all happened on a Saturday when he could be with me to distract me and keep me company. I'd have been such a wreck otherwise. He is my rock.

We had lunch, and came home, and I took a 3 hour nap. I was exhausted.

So there you have it. The long story of my follie check roller coaster ride.

I have to say, the past two weeks have been so much harder than I anticipated. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I had no idea just how intense this would be, both emotionally and physically. I naively thought my previous medicated cycles would have prepared me for this, and I'm sure they did to an extent, but holy crap this has been crazy hard. I totally understand now why some women choose not to go through this again, or take very long breaks in between IVF cycles, though I'm no where near ready to throw in the towel just yet.  I just keep picturing my future child in my head, imagining what it will be like to actually have a baby to hold, and that's what keeps me going. The very fact that I can even imagine that again tells me that I have more hope now than I have in a very long time. I'm scared s**tless too. Hopeful and scared to death. That pretty much sums up where I am right now. With a belly covered in bruises and little red poke marks.  This is some crazy s**t.