I missed my own blogoversary!

D'oh! I've been so caught up in everything that I missed it! Yesterday was Lost in Procreation's one year anniversary. Darn. I can't believe it's been a year since we were first told it was IVF or bust. Next month will be one year since we started treatments - first the (cancelled) IUIs, then IVF.  I'm not sure I can even remember life before IF, or TTC. How sad is that? It just takes over your life. I guess you sort of know when you make that decision to try to start a family that your life will change forever, but IF really twists and contorts your life into something so unrecognizable. I hate to think about it too much, my heart starts to ache and my head starts to hurt. I'm so lucky to have such a strong marriage already. My husband and I are pretty inseparable, and though I can definitely feel the strain that IF has put on us and our marriage, I know that we will survive no matter what and always have each other. I am at least blessed with that.

In other anniversary news, the 26th marked 2 years since my first BFP. It's surreal to be going through all that again two years later, though it is much different this time. I've spent two years mourning our EDD in early April, only to find myself with a similar EDD again. It's incredibly bittersweet. I still have such vivid memories of those days of finding out we were pregnant, then the spotting, the trips to the ER, laying on the couch utterly devastated, bleeding for a month straight, the flowers my family sent, even what I ate the day that I was diagnosed with an ectopic in the ER. I will never again be able to eat broccoli slaw from Trader Joe's. It's what I was making when the cramping started and we headed to the ER. It was the day of my husband's company picnic, which he had forgotten to tell me about (of course), and I still have weird associations with his company picnic, even though they hold it at a different place each year. I think those memories will never leave me, never fade too much. Summer used to be such a happy nostalgic time for me. My happiest memories from childhood are from summer and the sights and sounds of it used to take me back, but since that time two years ago those happy, nostalgic feelings have eluded me. I have memories of going to my parents and granfdather's cabins and fishing and swimming all day long. Of taking naps in the afternoon then getting up and playing in the wading pool in the backyard. Of riding my bike all day. Of day camp at the zoo, and summer camp, and gong to the lake near our house to go swimming and eating french fries and ice cream sandwiches, helping my mom with her garden and watching her can tomatoes and peaches. The reason those nostalgic feelings elude me now is that I so want to create memories like that with my own children - those feelings and my desire to have children have always been connected. Now they're painful because I don't know that I'll ever achieve that dream, and so far the path to that dream has been so heartbreaking.

Knowing that I'm pregnant right now is so scary. I'm so sad that I can't just be innocent and elated about seeing that second line. Instead I'm shaking in my boots, waiting for something bad to happen. I check the toilet paper every time I wipe expecting to see blood because that's all I've known of BFPs. I cried when I got that first line this time, and the tears were a mix of joy and fear. I immediately said a prayer begging for these guys to stick around. I'm so happy to know that they're still with me, but so scared that they're going to leave me at any second. I know how many hurdles are left in this race, how fragile their little lives are.

Wow. I didn't mean for this post to take that turn that it did. I had to let that out though. I'll share a photo of this morning's tests to try to brighten the mood a little. I decided to chance it and take a digital test I had laying around and it brightened my morning a little bit. Enjoy.