0 for 2

Yesterday's beta was 9. It's officially over now. I'm so relieved that they were able to give me the results yesterday so we don't have this hanging over our heads all weekend and can begin the process of grieving and healing and moving on.

This second loss is less traumatic than last time, but hurts just as bad. My heart is just as broken, the tears flow just as easily, the anger burns just as much. But this time I have skills and knowledge that I didn't have before. I know how to get through it. I know the pain gets less with each day. I know the scars are permanent, but I know that there's life after loss.

I have to go back and have my levels checked until the beta is below 2. At least this time it's at an IF clinic, rather than a women's hospital full of pregnant bellies and newborns going home for the first time. I'm hoping Monday's test will be that low, since it's already gone down so fast. We can start cycling again right away if we want, but I don't know what I want to do just yet. I can only take things one step at a time right now.

I have to give props to 'A'. Thank the universe she was working yesterday. I'm sure the call was the kind she hates to make. She was so sweet, and kept apologizing, and made sure I knew that we could start again right away, but could take a break if we needed to, and that we didn't even have to talk about all that right now if I didn't want to and she apologized some more. Her kindness made me cry. I did want to talk about it though. I need to know about the next steps - need something to focus on for the future to help me move forward and not get stuck.

This first round of IVF has been quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I'll be honest - it has sucked completely and totally, through and through. I have been unhappy and felt like crap for almost every day of it. There's no question in my mind though that we're going to keep trying until the bitter, or hopefully happy, end. I'm strong, and can take it. I know what to expect next time and will have better coping skills. I do need to take at least a small break. I'm taking a brief hiatus from the internet for a bit to regain a little control of my life, and reconnect with the parts of my life that aren't related to IF and loss. Since my husband got back from his trip, I've had a difficult time finding topics of conversation that aren't about IF, IVF or loss. I'm sorry I won't be reading and commenting on your blogs, but you will always have my support and love, even if I'm not putting it into words. I wish you all so much luck and success and happiness.