Nausea? Check. Moodiness? Check. Insomnia? Check. Yep, still on BCP.
Yesterday was a really bad day. I mean, REALLY bad. I stayed in bed all day with the curtains drawn. All. Day. I barely ate. I cried a lot. I'm still mourning my little babies that didn't stick while trying to make new ones.
Last night I had a freak out and told my husband I wanted to cancel this cycle. I didn't think I could do it. I'm not strong enough. That I need him to stop checking out on me and get with the program because I can NOT do this alone. That he has NO idea how it feels to be me right now, or how it's felt for the past several weeks, or hell - the past several MONTHS.
Then we cried together. We're both still mourning. I have no idea how it feels to be him right now, or how it's felt for the past several months.
He told me he has names for each of our miscarriages. He won't tell me what they are though, because he doesn't want to ruin any potential baby names. I was completely caught off guard by this. I had no idea. He named them and I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to give them names.
What choice do I have? I have to go through with it. I'd hate myself if I didn't. It's going to suck no matter when I do it. Might as well get it over with.
I hate IF. I hate hormones. While crying together last night, I told him that this just doesn't feel like it's the way that you're supposed to make a baby. It's not. But for us, it's our only choice.
I love your last paragraph. I think when all of us set out to have children, we never imagined it would be like this. Even though it wasnt our first, second choice etc. you are right and it is the only choice. This makes you stronger as a woman and I hope this is the time. I have high hopes due to your last cycle though. You have good things in your favor.
ReplyDeleteIt's all so hard. I think any of us who have been through so much has those bad days. I definitely do. It's got to get better for us someday. It has to.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts.
My heart goes out to you... this journey is hard enough without all the hormones on board too. Each loss is significant... each failed round is another thing to grieve... sorry to hear that you had such a rough day yesterday. Every choice and moment of uncertainty is a nightmare... you're right - I often think that this is not the way it's meant to be. Thinking of you and hope your days improve... your determination and love for your future kid/s will get you through xoxo
ReplyDelete:*( Oh hun, you are definitely feeling normal things - it just suck so freaking bad. It's hard to keep going with so much trauma. You are stronger than you realize - I can see it in you. It's ok to break down when you feel bad. Your hubby sounds so sweet <3
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
Ugh, I absolutely hate those feelings, and hate the fact that you're experiencing them right now. It does suck that we have to get to motherhood this way, but I just know that all the pain and misery will subside when we hold our precious babies for the first time. And hopefully that moment is a short 9 months away for all of us! Thinking of you!!
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry you're feeling this way. Infertility sucks and is not easy. I wish we could all make babies the romantic way instead of by jacking ourselves up on hormones and going through unpleasant experiences. Heck, I'd even take the back seat of a car at this point!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for my adorable socks, love the cute little kitty :) hope you are hanging in there. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteYou're so welcome! I hope the Lucky Cat helps!
DeleteThinking of you *hugs*
ReplyDelete